I was just thinking the other day how it’s been ages since I last wrote. I quit my last job (rather spectacularly I might add) and so I’ve not been on my usual route into town much. I actually started a new job which saw me, for most of November, cycling around the Leyton area trying to interview people for social research studies. In this endeavour I would like like to add that getting mileage for your bike rocks, that East London is way nicer than where I live, that people in (East?) London are way nicer than I thought, and that The Desert Rose coffee shop on Hoe Street makes the best.coffee.ever. I seriously haven’t had coffee like that since I was last on the continent, and better yet - it only cost a pound!!!!!!!!

But cycling. So yes, I realised the other day that, aside from BT vans, I had not had a single shitty driver and/or stupid cyclist experience once I had gotten east of Stamford Hill for the entire month of November. That is, alas, until I had to go into town the other day; I took my preferred route in and was promptly assaulted by bad drivers and idiotic cyclists. I have a large list of drivers that I am banning when I am Queen of the World, and I may also now ban males of a certain age on hybrids as well as all women on step-throughs.

Given the fact that I just shaved all my hair off again (ahhh, the freedom! ahhh, the lovely velvet headedness!) and could feasibly now lose my job and end up near Central London again, I thought I’d give another top tip to cyclists, namely - don’t fill up the gaps!

What I mean by that is, if there is a gap down the side of (stationary) traffic and you decide to go down it and then say, for example, there is a red traffic light that you are not going to jump, don’t just hang out at the end of the tunnel, blocking the light and the way through for all the other cycling souls of London. Take the tunnel (follow the light!) but when you get to the top, move towards the centre of the lane, in front of the motorised traffic, so that any other cyclist can also take that route rather than being forced, a) to be in a dangerous position once the traffic starts moving again, or b) to wait at the back behind the traffic.

It’s just common courtesy. Think about the reasons that you felt comfortable taking that tunnel and moving to the front of the traffic - you did it because you had a hole of freedom to work towards. So why block the light/bung up the hole and thereby prevent other cyclists having the safety to do the same? You don’t have to be a selfish plonker, all you have to do is think!

PS: This goes quadruple bazillion for motorbikers and scooterererers.

Posted under advice

Dear Hi-Viz and Helmet Woman,

When a car is all up in your arse as you ride along the road, do you know that they are doing this on purpose to unnerve you and make you get out of the way? Do you know that just because they speed up and hug your back wheel in between speed bumps, that this does not mean they will actually run you over? Do you realise that you stopping and (hilariously) shouting, “What are you doing? You are such bad driver!” is just what they wanted, a) for the jokes and, b) because it enabled them to pass you?

Oh Hi-Viz and Helmet Woman, how many times must I tell you? Cars are not contagious! Please stop being so afraid of them and allowing them to wrestle the road back off you. When a car is all up in your arse - carry on! Do just what you were doing. If they beep you - give them the finger! It is highly unlikely that they will try to run you over,* so let them rev their engines and hug your rubber all they like, they are just being impatient is all.

Yours sincerely,

Tank Green

(*: And if they are the kind of homicidal maniac to try to run you over, they’d do it anyway.)

Posted under advice

Contrary to popular thought, wearing hi-viz clothing does not create an impenetrable forcefield around you, rendering your every action safe (for you) and convenient (for other road users). In fact, experience would tell me that wearing hi-viz actually turns you into a dim-witted fucktard who should have their tires slashed and road privileges revoked until further notice.

Yes lady, I’m talking to you: the one I called an idiot this morning. Yes, I know I am a cantankerous old cow, but when you weave your way erratically across traffic and then throw yourself into the cycling lane without looking to see if there is anyone using it, you qualify for the idiocy badge.

Simply put, if you are that nervous around cars, then you shouldn’t be commuting to work (etc.). Take one of those ‘cycle with confidence’ courses that the council offer and practise on back streets until you feel confident enough to take your position on the roads. If you are petrified about being around cars, get off your bloody bike and walk. It’s also carbon neutral.
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Posted under advice

This morning on my freezing cold commute to work I had an experience that I have never had before: a really considerate HGV driver (aka LGV aka lorry aka truck). It actually occurred on the same stretch of road where the Oakwood driver behaved so recklessly a few months ago. In light of today’s lovely experience, I’ve decided to also record moments of extreme consideration as well as those of danger, so that we get a nice and balanced picture.
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Posted under praise

The London Paper today has a full-page feature entitled: Cyclists vs Lorries: The Deadly Debate. It cites the deaths of four cyclists by lorries this week alone (Lisa Pontecorvo, Nick Wright, Graham Thwaites and Wan-Chen McGuiness), and in order to attempt ‘to understand the difficulties facing each side’, it had a cyclist get behind the wheel of an HGV (aka LGV aka lorry aka truck), and an HGV driver get on a bike.

I’m really hoping the cyclist didn’t actually get to drive the HGV (and merely sat at the wheel), since the idea of that freaks me out for all manner of reasons (mainly because I think it a skill not to be taken up lightly and secondly because it’s an unfair comparison), and there are several points of irritation (I’m always irritated by things - it’s the academic in me), but overall I think the attention the article is bringing to the issue is important at least.
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Posted under advice, general, journalism