At some point in the last few years, cars have stopped using their indicators (turn signals). This is definitely a recent development, since I cannot remember ever having cause for complaint on this issue before I left London the first time ten years ago.

I passed my driving test about sixteen years ago and I can still remember the adage: mirror, signal, manoeuvre. However, it would seem that most of the drivers in London are amnesiac fucktards, since hardly any of them follow that procedure.

In light of that reality, my general desire to stay alive and the fact that I see so many (newbie?) cyclists behaving as if they aren’t aware of this failure on the part of motorists, my first top tip relates to the safest way I have devised for cycling in the vicinity of large amounts of vehicles safely. The following is just the general rule I go by; there are learned exceptions and also occasional moments of plain idiocy on my part. Feel free to add your own tips about this in the comments section.

Clearly, as this wonderful image shows, I am not alone in my frustrations and although I have not personally noted a particular problem with BMWs, someone else has, and that is enough for me. (Tune in at a later date for a full list of cars that I am banning once I am Queen of the World.)

The trick is to act as if every single driver is malicious and utterly disinterested in your safety and well-being, mainly because most of them are. Think of every situation in terms of worst case scenarios and therefore cycle defensively.

This means that as you approach a junction assume that every car immediately in front of you and to your right (left if you drive on the right side of the road) is going to make that left turn (or right if you drive on the right side of the road). I repeat, most every car is going to cut you up if they get the chance, so act as if they are going to in order to avoid the negative ramifications of their possible actions.

So, as you approach that junction, hold back behind the vehicle in front of you and also the one to the right if there is one (left if if you drive on the right side of the road), and do not, under any circumstance, attempt to go on the inside of the vehicle in front, no matter what their indicators say. Just because they aren’t indicating, this does not even remotely indicate that they are going to continue going straight. Indicating right? Do not believe them! Just hold back and wait for them to physically manipulate the vehicle so you can be sure of their actual direction.

Additionally, to prevent any car from behind you cutting you up as well, when you hold back to allow for the vehicle(s) in front and to the side to behave like idiots, also move out further into the lane so that the car behind cannot just come up on your outside and cut you up as well. This might cause them to beep at you, but invariably it doesn’t, and you are now safe to go in whichever bloody direction you choose.

Also, please indicate yourself; and not with one of these.

The trick is to be a defensive but assertive cyclist. To think for yourself and also to try to predict the actions of every motorist around you. I know it’s hard and it’s also slightly paranoid, but the truth is that by assuming the motorist is going to cut you up, you will actually help to protect yourself against that. At the very least you will be prepared.

Posted under advice