Contrary to popular thought, wearing hi-viz clothing does not create an impenetrable forcefield around you, rendering your every action safe (for you) and convenient (for other road users). In fact, experience would tell me that wearing hi-viz actually turns you into a dim-witted fucktard who should have their tires slashed and road privileges revoked until further notice.

Yes lady, I’m talking to you: the one I called an idiot this morning. Yes, I know I am a cantankerous old cow, but when you weave your way erratically across traffic and then throw yourself into the cycling lane without looking to see if there is anyone using it, you qualify for the idiocy badge.

Simply put, if you are that nervous around cars, then you shouldn’t be commuting to work (etc.). Take one of those ‘cycle with confidence’ courses that the council offer and practise on back streets until you feel confident enough to take your position on the roads. If you are petrified about being around cars, get off your bloody bike and walk. It’s also carbon neutral.

Hi-viz gets you seen, it’s true. I had a hi-viz jacket for a while (before I succumbed to vanity and the desire for a breathable coat) and cars definitely gave me a wider berth at night. But the simple fact is that being seen by traffic is not enough. If you don’t look before you pull out, you’ll never know how close that car is to you, or how fast it is going; and if they are right on your arse (which they usually are in a city), then your lumo jacket will turn into a lumo rag on the road with you squished underneath it. And that’s not even going into the danger you pose to other cyclists.

The same goes for helmets: wearing one does not automatically make you safe. Wear helmets and hi-viz clothing all you like, they’re a great idea, but do not assume that they are the most important safety measure you can take. The most important safety measure you can take relates to the way in which you cycle. That is: confidently, assertively and maintaining the safest position on the road (which is not the same as getting out of the way of cars).

I’ve lost count of the amount of women I see fully decked out in hi-viz clothing and helmets cycling like complete and utter plonkers. It utterly pains me to single out women, but truth be told, a lot of the hi-viz plonkers I see are women and I care about women the most. (In summer even more oblivious-to-basic-road-rules plonkers come out in flowing skirts, baskets and flip-flops: STOP! Just fucking stop. This is not Copenhagen and you are a danger to yourself and others.)

So yes, hi-viz plonkers: women on god awful step-through bikes shuddering and shaking in the gutter in too high a gear. SAVE YOUR KNEES! Or the male type of hi-viz plonker who rides a hybrid and tries to race other cyclists (especially couriers) to prove they aren’t as middle-of-the-road as they secretly think they are. To prove that - roooaaaar - they’re still risqué, even though they’re wearing the safety gear their partner forces on them.

And so, in my bid to save us all from the bloody tragedy of another plonker on the roads blissfully unaware that they are endangering themselves and others because of their belief in the forcefield provided by their hi-viz clothing and helmet, repeat after me: hi-viz is a great product which helps you get seen, but it will not save your life. Buy it, buy as much as you want! But please, please remember that your best safety gear is your awareness, not your boil-in-the-bag jacket, and that means looking before you make a manoeuvre and interacting with cars as other road users, rather than as highly contagious beasts you need to run away from. Okay?

Posted under advice