Dear Hi-Viz and Helmet Woman,

When a car is all up in your arse as you ride along the road, do you know that they are doing this on purpose to unnerve you and make you get out of the way? Do you know that just because they speed up and hug your back wheel in between speed bumps, that this does not mean they will actually run you over? Do you realise that you stopping and (hilariously) shouting, “What are you doing? You are such bad driver!” is just what they wanted, a) for the jokes and, b) because it enabled them to pass you?

Oh Hi-Viz and Helmet Woman, how many times must I tell you? Cars are not contagious! Please stop being so afraid of them and allowing them to wrestle the road back off you. When a car is all up in your arse - carry on! Do just what you were doing. If they beep you - give them the finger! It is highly unlikely that they will try to run you over,* so let them rev their engines and hug your rubber all they like, they are just being impatient is all.

Yours sincerely,

Tank Green

(*: And if they are the kind of homicidal maniac to try to run you over, they’d do it anyway.)

Posted under advice

Contrary to popular thought, wearing hi-viz clothing does not create an impenetrable forcefield around you, rendering your every action safe (for you) and convenient (for other road users). In fact, experience would tell me that wearing hi-viz actually turns you into a dim-witted fucktard who should have their tires slashed and road privileges revoked until further notice.

Yes lady, I’m talking to you: the one I called an idiot this morning. Yes, I know I am a cantankerous old cow, but when you weave your way erratically across traffic and then throw yourself into the cycling lane without looking to see if there is anyone using it, you qualify for the idiocy badge.

Simply put, if you are that nervous around cars, then you shouldn’t be commuting to work (etc.). Take one of those ‘cycle with confidence’ courses that the council offer and practise on back streets until you feel confident enough to take your position on the roads. If you are petrified about being around cars, get off your bloody bike and walk. It’s also carbon neutral.
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Posted under advice